Mountains & Valleys

I like the analogy of mountains & valleys very much.  In terms of my personal walk with God, there have been mountain top experiences, as well as the pains of walking through valleys.  Recently, I’ve realised that I’m usually walking in valleys of decisions – so many decisions to make that will shape how I continue – whether it’s my personal, family, social, ministry or work life.  Every aspect of it requires lots of decisions.  Adjacent to the valleys are mountains of expectations from all over, with regards to the decisions I’ll be making.  Indeed, the pressure can be very great sometimes.

However, I just read this morning about the area of responsibility – sometimes we take on more than we should & feel that everything needs fixing/repairing.  Sometimes, we fail to let God do His part and we ‘interfere’ too much.  Well, that doesn’t disregard the fact that there are decisions that I cannot afford to delay and decisions that are dependent upon other decisions made by other parties or the impact of my decisions on other decisions.  Anyhow, it’s been interesting as I was reminded of the importance of why we’re doing exactly what we’re doing.  In my case, why am I always caught in the valley of decisions, although usually, it’s not a choice I make to be there.  Indeed, we sometimes make our choices but sometimes, we don’t have a choice.  I personally believe God has allowed me to go through this as He’s shaping & moulding me for greater things to come.  Praise the Lord for His foresight, although I’m still pretty short-sighted.  :)

Greater

To be able to receive greater things, we must go through training such that we will have the capacity to contain them.  These few weeks have been rather challenging in various aspects.  But I have the constant assurance that God’s in the picture & I should continue to walk closely with Him.

Indeed, there are days I feel like just pulling the blanket over my head & ignoring all things that are happening until it passes by.  Unfortunately, I’m never the kind who can stand by & do nothing.  The past 2 weeks were a very draining time for me at work & added onto that, the nightmares that kept waking me up throughout the nights.  The recent weekend was really one that I spent catching up big time on my rest & thank God for the 1.5 days of resting at home.  Thanks to those who have been praying for my recovery.  I felt like I was in a 60 year old body that required oiling as I woke up each morning with my body aching & bones creaking.  This morning, miraculously, the body aches disappeared & just in time for me to come back to work.  Boy, there were quite a few emails to clear today & many things to catch up on.

I’m praying for spiritual breakthroughs in my personal & ministry life.  I really need to see breakthroughs in all aspects.  Despite the challenges, God has been really faithful, allowing me to excel at work.  I’m so blessed to have colleagues who appreciate working as a team together & also to have colleagues who constantly encourage me in my personal walk with God.  What would I do without colleagues & friends who are believers that keep encouraging me to press on despite challenges.

I want to see & receive greater things in my life, to see God glorified to a much greater extent.  Indeed, there are many times when I’ve realised I can’t do anything but get down on my knees as He’s in control.  I recall waking up several times last night & the Lord laid certain things in my heart.  I was reminded not to focus on the problem but to focus on God.  So I started to thank God in all aspects of his character & sovereignty.  I ended up falling asleep on a patient, but loving Father through praise.  Indeed, I had a good rest, despite being disturbed last night continually – don’t ask me how I did it, but I know, it’s the start of being interrupted by God – as I have been for a few weeks already.

Headache

I think my headache’s the result of the hot weather we’re experiencing.  It’s really hot everywhere else but super cold in the office.  Thankfully, I’m fully aware that this is not the result of H1N1 transmission.  That’s a concern of everyone when they hear that someone’s on medical leave these days.  I woke up this morning with a bad headache & giddiness, despite plenty of sleep last night & the weekend before.  In fact, I’ve been sleeping a lot more in the past 3 weeks, probably making up for the lack of sleep, although last week’s bought of dreams were disturbing, causing me to have not much rest.

Nevertheless, God is good.  I realised that the dreams were also preparing me for some news & some things to come.  I’m starting to make sense of some of them, although I still feel that sense of frustration in the dreams I had.  It reminded of Popeye’s response “I can’t stand it no more!”  In fact, I’ve always had a sense of frustration when things aren’t done right.  I’m not sure why & sometimes, that frustrates me as well coz I feel like I’m trying to be righteous, when I’m also a sinner in God’s eyes & laws.  Thus, gotta always be careful to be objective in what I view/say.

I was pretty stressed at work the past 2 weeks or so after church camp as I had to prepare for an important presentation to the senior management.  Thankfully, my boss agreed to present to the senior management, whilst I prepared the presentation.  Indeed, it’s great when we have team work going in a team.  It really gives me a sense of fulfillment in what I’m doing.  I’m really thankful for God’s guidance throughout the preparation of my presentation, although there have been times when I felt really frustrated as my colleagues from other departments weren’t as helpful as they could be.  But then again, I’m thankful that at least I know what’s happening & was able to figure out ways around the situations.

Some friends have commented that my life is one that I can’t stay still or do nothing – I’m always doing something about some situation.  Guess I was made that way.  Even in seeking the Lord, my pathway has been through that of an activitist – or doing something that I find the significance in.  Was just talking to a colleague today about taking on another career path & she was encouraging me to do so.  I shared that basically it’s something that I wouldn’t do as I don’t have any interests in doing that as a career.

I personally feel that it’s important for us to invest our life in what we think it’s worth & make it count, despite the challenges we may have.  Perhaps some may consider it foolishness, but I consider it worthy as long as there is a value attached to it.  A quick decision may be the best way to solve the problem but making that decision without sufficient information is foolishness.  I always remember this terminology called “Bounded Rationality” – where we make decisions based on incomplete information.  This can haunt us as we may sometimes make decisions that we regret.  Indeed, recently, I have had to make many decisions that would make an impact both at work & in my personal life & the decisions were really tough.  However, it’s good that we have colleagues & friends who can advise & guide us through it all.  Indeed, when we pray, God answers through sending others along our paths.  Grateful for the colleagues & friends who have guided me & glad that most of them are believers in Christ.  :)

Child-likeness

The last few nights I’ve been having wierd dreams.  I’m not sure what they mean but it’s been a series of dreams that are unrelated but left a deep impression on me when I woke up.  Somehow, I believe God was trying to tell me something through them & I’ve been spending more time praying for covering & protection for all in the unit.  Indeed, as we want to push the frontiers of the Kingdom of God, we will always face opposition.  ”The devil is like a prowling lion” – not a roaring one that alerts people, but ready to pounce upon us at every opportunity.  I’ve been praying that we’ll all be focused on the Lord as I’m very sure that He’ll guide us & bring us towards breakthrough as we choose to look at Him instead of our limitations & abilities.  Interestingly, these disturbing dreams have come at a time when I’m mobilising all to start planning for the upcoming quarter.

Last night, I had the privilege of seeing how a child can entertain us adults in little ways.  My nephew was watching a VCD with songs & kids dancing & singing to the songs.  He followed suit, although his pronounciation is quite bad.  But the excitement of hearing the songs, knowing what song to expect next & knowing some of the lyrics of the songs.  He’s only 22 months but he’s so animated in his singing & dancing.  His favourite song is “Itsy-teeny spider” – think I might have spelt it wrongly.  But he kept passing my mom the remote control after the song ended to repeat it again.  Think he sang the same song repeatedly for more than 5 times, although it lasted for about a minute or so.

This morning, a colleague of mine who is older than myself but has a different way to look at things, reminded me of a child expressing joy when they’re happy.  Reminded me that God really wants us to be child-like before Him, depending on Him & taking joy & pride in Him being our Abba Father.

Believe God is leading us to a season of doing things in a new & different manner.  I’m praying for new ways to see things – through the eyes of faith & through God’s eyes.  I’m starting to see a glimmer of it but I’m praying that I’ll see a greater outpouring of it in the days ahead.

Church Camp

Physically, I’m drained from the trip to KL & back for R&R (Rest & Relax) time & the church camp – coz I didn’t manage to sleep much as I woke up daily at 6+am automatically.  Spiritually, I’ve been so encouraged by God & all those around me.

Indeed, this has been the best camp personally for me as it was relaxing & enabled us to spend quality time together in fellowship & sitting under the word.  The theme of the camp was on “Heroes” and I’ve been so blessed as I was once again reminded on the importance of developing godly character.

I shared with the group during the camp that I was going through some really tough times in the previous weeks at home, although I can’t really go into the details of it & thank you for respecting my privacy.  Thankfully things have stabilised somewhat, although the situation hasn’t fully resolved & is unlikely to be resolved fully in the next month or so.  Nevertheless, I went to the camp with many questions on why is all this happening & I really wanted to grow in my level of faith to see possibilities of breakthrough in my family situation with the eyes of faith.  Thus, I went for the trip with a heart that was pretty troubled & weary.  But God is good!

Firstly, I was refreshed by the fellowship as I really missed prolonged fellowship with others over an extended period of time.  I was really stressed up with all the things happening around me but was glad for the break that allowed me to focus on God & also, to enjoy those around me.

The teachings in the camp were very solid & really spoke right into my heart about the importance of spending time to build godly character.  In particular, a teaching that struck me very deeply was about how we can build godly character only when we are in the valleys as these are times when we really come & depend on God.  When we have mountain high experiences, we don’t spend time to build our character as we spend that time rejoicing.  Thus, God allows us to go through the valleys so that we can develop courage, integrity, perseverance amongst many other godly characteristics.

I personally do not have anyone I hold in such high regard that I would consider to be a ‘hero’, although there are many whom I respect deeply as I see how they live out their lives, including our church pastors & leaders whom I’ve had the privilege to serve with over the years.  However, I’m so blessed to be able to walk amongst these people whom I respect deeply, especially those in the care groups whom we serve together as I can see the sincerity in desiring after the things of the Lord & also in wanting to grow in the Lord tremendously.  I would consider them as heroes as it’s never easy to make a commitment to walk closely with the Lord & it’s even harder to do so daily such that we don’t fall away from the Lord.  I’m so blessed to walk & live amongst each of the care group members who are heroes in how they choose to live their lives – to glorify God.

I still need to spend sometime to look through the teachings & gather my thoughts before I can publish some action points I’d like to work on for this year.  Meanwhile, I’m really thankful to God for His faithfulness in my life – never giving up on me, but loving me so much He’s working on transforming my life.

Tired

I’ve been so physically tired these days.  I sure am looking forward to my break in KL prior to the upcoming church camp.  Looking forward to the rest, food & some shopping.  My bones have been aching more than usual daily – wondering if it’s the early onset of rheumatism (which is unlikely), although my colleagues have occassionally been teasing me about the swine flu as I’ve been coughing on & off.

Health aside, the weather these days have been rather cool in the mornings as it has been raining in the nights.  I still feel that the air is rather humid & stale generally speaking as I can’t stand not being in air conditioning when I’m at home.  Perhaps as my place is located on the ground floor, it makes the air feel even more stagnant.  I heard that one of the 2nd litter of dogs I’ve got passed away recently from a road accident – that’s so sad.  But at the same time, that worries me tremendously coz my youngest dog is rather adventurous & loves to pop out to the car park & play.  As the neighbours cars generally tolerate her, she assumes she can challenge cars.  Sometimes when I leave the home to go to work, I find her following me out – to send me off & perhaps wanting to send me to work?  It’s very adorable but yet very dangerous.  Thus, I’ve got no choice but to leash her before I leave the house.  She’s a very cheerful dog who is very curious about what everyone is doing.  Thus, I’ve nicknamed her “Kay-Po Number 1″  - (Kay-Po means busy-body) and she responds to it with a wagging tail.

Indeed, she’s adorable & very lovable.  She’s the only dog I’ve got whom I can’t cut her face without her avoiding the scissors.  Thus, to be able to trim her face, I’ve got to literally cover her eyes!  My other dogs will tolerate it for a while, but they’re not as rebellious or playful as this one.  Indeed, each dog has it’s own character, despite them being from the same family tree.  They’re likely to have gotten the ‘wierd’ characters from their ‘dad’ (which I know the dad’s family always says that the wierd characters are from their mom).  Well, so much about being prejudiced about our own dogs.  An example of this was when the dogs were trying to mate & the gals side was complaining the guy was too short & the guy’s side was complaining the gal was too tall.  We each see things from different perspectives due to tainted lenses.  But such is the beauty of it all – at the end of the day, their puppy turned out to be as beautiful as both her parents.

Even my dogs are very tired & have taken to sleeping from 8pm or so daily.  Must be the bad weather that’s making everyone so lethargic.

Stormy Weather

Stormy weather is brewing with greater intensity.  Not the physical weather, but a spiritual one.  I’m not sure exactly where things will end up or when things will come to an end.  But definitely feeling very tired & drained, although interestingly, I also feel at peace as I know that the Lord is with me.

Still, stormy weather will be over someday (& I hope sooner than later).  Meanwhile, I keep clinging onto the hope found in Jesus.  Encouraged by the book of Proverbs that I’m currently doing for my QT.

Dreaming of New Church

Funny how I dreamt of our new church last night – although I wasn’t thinking about it – I dreamt the new auditorium had royal blue colour seats & was a 2,000 seater.  I dreamt that the space was tight for 2,000 people but somehow, it was able to fit in so many people as it was very uniquely designed inside.  I’m so looking forward to seeing it when we actually finally purchase the new place.  But such a wierd dream I had.  The space inside wasn’t large but every space was maximised such that we could even have some double decker beds in the rooms to have sleepovers. 

Reminded me of many years ago when we were asked to dream big about how we want our church to look like & to have.  Sounds idealistic but in Christ, all things are possible.  I dreamt that our church had a piece of land that was so huge that was larger than the size of any university campus.  I dreamt that our church would have our own schools – from toddlers right up to our own university.  I dreamt that our church had our own yatch (I love boats) – so that we could take it to spread the gospel to the other countries.  I dreamt that we were a church that was on fire for God.  I dreamt that we would have people queuing up to get into our service & would also have excess overflow into the gardens & people didn’t mind coz they hungered after the WOG.  I dream big dreams & hope to see them come to past in my lifetime.

I used to dream of big dreams for the business community when I was much younger & not yet a follower of Christ.  I dreamt that Singapore would have it’s own theme park that was an attraction to many tourists.  I dreamt that this theme park would have to be offshore due to a lack of land in Singapore – so that it could be as big as it wanted to be.  I dreamt that the millionaires of Singapore & the business community all wanted a share in it.  This dream is partially coming to past more than a decade after I started to dream these dreams – in the form of our integrated resorts in Marina & Sentosa.  

Indeed, it is good to dream big & work towards some goals, slowly but steadily.

Ironical

The weather has been so humid & hot these days that I dread moving away from the air conditioning.  I’m generally one that doesn’t sweat easily but the opposite holds true these days.  I’ve also been looking at exercising but without doing much or getting my heart rate up, my perspiration is already surfacing.  Indeed, the weather has changed my dress code in the office as well to wearing more short sleeved blouses & dresses – which is kinda refreshing (more for my colleagues than myself).

Anyhow, it’s so ironic that I love the air conditioning as it prevents moisture from coming out of my pores (in the guise of perspiration) but yet, my body is rejecting it as I’m also more prone to coughing fits, which are a result of my sinus.  I was reminded today about how Paul was writing that outwardly, his body is wasting away but inwardly it’s being renewed – the irony of it struck me.  It’s like I’m drawn to the air-conditioning but my body is rejecting it as it’s keeping me awake with coughing fits.  

Then it struck me that in terms of applying things that we learn  into our lives.  Sometimes, outwardly we show signs of positiveness & optimism but inwardly, we’re depressed & feeling very negative about it – thus we fool others & sometimes, we ourselves refuse to acknowledge that we’re not doing as well as we could be.  This often results in stagnation of our walk with God as believers in Christ.  We then start giving ourselves excuses that we can’t do this & that coz of this & that, but deep down inside us, there are issues that we know require addressing, which we refused to look at improving & asking God to help us with it.  

I recall being a new believer and being given a sheep that was full of the knowledge of the WOG.  I was awed by her knowledge, I was practically paralysed by it.  I felt that I could never teach her anything as I haven’t even know the Lord as personally as she had.  I went to my leaders & insisted that they had made a mistake by placing me over her as a shepherd.  I felt like I was a mouse besides a spiritual giant.  Eventually, I turned my attitude around & told myself that whatever I know or I don’t know, I gotta be upfront.  But because of this sheep, it spurred me on further to read & study the word & read up on all the things she brought up relating to the Lord.  I believe that it’s our attitude that counts.  Unfortunately, I’ve also realised that as I mature physically and spiritually, there are times where my attitude is really bad in terms of learning & growing & applying the Word into my personal life.

Once again, I got to re-learn the lessons I’ve learnt & also push myself to be more exposed to various things out there.  Interestingly, I was reading something about prayer this morning & it struck me when the author spoke about christians having “Hail Mary” times when things are tough, but at other points in time, we will depend on our strength & cleverness to get ourselves out of the situation.  Isn’t it ironic that we need God but yet, try to live our lives independently until we can no longer do things by ourselves but need to rely upon Him, the Alpha & Omega in our lives?

Come Holy Spirit

I’m listening to this track as I’m typing this post.  Didn’t manage to sleep well last night, although I was both physically & mentally tired.  It’s like the Holy Spirit was keeping me awake, asking me to pray for something.  Prayed for a few things & then drifted off into slumber, only to be awaken a few more times throughout the night.  Something is happening in the spiritual, although I don’t really know what but it’s given me a bad sense of foreboding of what is to come.

I pray for a greater work of the Holy Spirit in our midst, a greater work of the spiritual battles to be won victoriously.  Indeed, this seems to be a year of spiritual breakthrough & growth in my personal walk with God.  Sometimes it just feels so tiring to be ‘awaken’ at different times throughout that I feel like surrendering to get complete & wholesome rest.  However, I’ve also realised that this is an important and a compulsory period of moulding & shaping for many things to come.

I’m looking forward to the upcoming church camp.  Indeed, I’m looking forward to a time of refreshment & rejuvenation in the spiritual.  Although there are quite a few things to prepare before the camp & also, for what is to come.  But I praise God for the time that I’ve got to prepare.  Glad that I’m going up 2 days earlier to rest & relax so that I can absorb the teachings to a much greater extent.

I’ve realised that I’m becoming more intolerant to the weather.  It’s just getting so hot I feel like I’m addicted to air-conditioning.  I realised I need to get back to the routine of exercise & woke up early this morning to go cycling around my estate.  I didn’t get much cardio workout or warm up my muscles enough – but I was already sweating from the humidity.  Trying to get healthier in preparation for what is up ahead – an exciting walk & adventure with God!